Blogging and Self Awareness

There's something very egotistic about writing a blog. Something that makes it hard to simply just sit down and write. I want to be careful about what I say because I don't know who is listening.

I am writing to an indeterminable audience across space and time. And it's kind of freaky. Especially since my name is attached to whatever I post.¹ It could come up on a Google search. Family, employers, friends, people could read this at any point.

So the tone of writing that comes out is the narcissistic factual voice I use when criticizing the likes of Descartes. It's my oh-look-how-clever-I-am voice that I write into my school essays. And I'm a bit concerned that, reading back on all of this years in the future, it'll be so annoying that I'll be forced to delete everything.²

And then there is the intention of this blog. I'm interested in the web, in social media, in how the internet renegotiates social reality and human identity... but I'm also taking a course. And I intend to use this blog as part of the 'digital portfolio' we've been asked to build throughout the semester. And that somehow makes what I write here feel less authentic, because part of me, subconsciously, is always going to try to write what I expect will get me a good mark.³

It feels like a chore to write here. But I have an another blog on Wordpress that I actively enjoy updating and I think there are two important reasons which are interconnected:

1. It's completely anonymous. I don't have to feel awkward and self-conscious about what I write, because no one is ever going to connect it to me. I am an anonymous person writing to anonymous readers.
   
2. It's my blog. There is nothing other than me influencing the content. I am not writing what I think will satisfy my professor or what will impress my friends. I'm writing to no one and everyone, but I am writing for me.

Blogging is very personal. It's exposing yourself to an indeterminate community.⁴ So it's natural to be careful about what you post. I just wish it was less inhibiting.

¹ Most of what I put on the internet is actually under obscure anonymous usernames which is more reassuring. Especially for my old fanfiction stories.
² This is what happened with my diary. I wrote it when I was twelve. I reread it when I was eighteen. And I was overwhelmed by how pretentious I was.
³ Actually, maybe that's what's influencing the quasi-academic tone. Am I writing for myself or writing for the sake of my university transcript?
⁴ One full of semi-literate trolls and self-declared elites.